Navigating the loss of a parent
I’m currently navigating the loss of a parent. My first. My (step)mom. And let me say, helping others with this process is waayy easier then walking myself through it. However, or shall I say additionally, looking through my own training notes has helped. And now I write/journal, to get my thoughts out. To get the memories out so I don’t forget.
Lets go back a bit first. I have always found prayer the easiest way for me to “get things done”. Its an easy way for me to move energy. And when I was first introduced to the mala & Buddhist/Hindu/Tibetan chanting, I found even more comfort. I was by no means proficient or habitual about it. I have, & made, so many different versions of “mala’s”, I’ve lost count. I had even picked up the rosary when I found the book The Way of the Rose. Monday May 5 24, I grabbed my rosary while heading out to my lunch walk, a playlist on my go to music app for praying the rosary, and set off & prayed it, not knowing why. Remember, not habitual about it. I then proceeded to do it all week without realizing that I picked up a new habit simply by drop-in from Spirit. Come the following Tuesday (15th), I knew why.
When I found out the news that my (s)mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, I posted a message to my circle & my teacher called almost immediately (as usual when I go into “crisis”). I asked how I do this & her reply was, you grieve & let your high priestess self-do her thing. She reminded me that my HP self will take over when I need her to & will navigate things when needed. I sent a note to my (younger) sister how I do this as she lost her father a decade ago. She said allow yourself to feel.
I had a scheduled vacation & mom told me to keep it & come home. She wanted me to still being my camping gear cause she wanted to go camping. We talked about how she was feeling, not just physically, but emotionally. How frustrated she was feeling about the whole situation. That she was worried about dad. About how many things still needed to get done & that she still had soo many things she still wanted to do in life. How she wanted to fight. I told her however long she wanted to fight, I(we) would fight with her. And when she didn’t want to fight anymore, we’d support her decision. She thanked me (everyone) for her prayer bracelet that I brought for her; how she could feel the prayers & tears flowed. And then she apologized for not feeling well enough to go camping. I was there to be with family, I said, it didn’t matter what we did so long as we’re together.
In my own selfishness, that day came sooner then I wanted. I went home for a few days and surprisingly (again) I journaled, I have been distressed of late that my life has taken me far away from family. I have apologized more than once to mom/dad for being a "bad daughter" (@ not calling or coming home as "often as I should") This is especially so now that mom is going to leave this world so much sooner than any of us would like. It makes me feel the weight of choices I have made of being so far away and the guilt I'm feeling right now at that distance; not physically being there for her, dad, brothers and sisters, is tearing my heart apart as the obligations of life prevent me from going home this very second. But mostly it makes me painfully sad.
And yet...
Mom does love me, and I feel that too in so many ways. In her acceptance of those choices, for her joking yet sympathetic replies of "phone calls are a 2 way street". I feel her love in the thoughtful way she asked about da boy and what he likes. In the cookies and little trinkets that she sends home with me. The knowing that I always want steak to eat during our camping trips.
Remembering these things helps me shift my perspective. I treasure the times I have with her all the more because they are precious and rare.
And then it was time. I got the call to come back. She passed peacefully on June 25 surrounded by dad & my siblings. I kicked & criticized myself for quite a bit of the 12 hr drive that I wasn’t there physically to help walk her over, but dad & the siblings were, for which I am immensely grateful!! At one point in my drive I was able to listen to my play list, do my part of the walking journey (as what I do is more on the spiritual level vs physical anyways), & release so that I could concentrate on driving.
We (the family) spent time in quiet contemplation, time eating together, working together, laughing together, crying together, each in our own ways, to get through what may be one of the hardest things to do in life. We arranged a beautiful service for everyone to laugh, cry, share amazing memories & tributes, oh, and recipes! Our officiant asked if there was a recipe we wanted to share with everyone as tribute to mom, and we had to seriously mule that request over lol. You see, most of moms REALLY good recipes are top secret! Her sugar cookies & frosting, her caramels! Nope! In fact, her sugar cookie recipe isnt even written down! We settled on her oatmeal cookie recipe to which someone didn’t spell check themselves when they printed it on the order of service & listed 2 cups of Flower. Good times. We started the service off with a chuckle.
I took to my training again once I got home again. To remind myself of the stages of grief & to journal this lil note out. This note has taken me days to write between the tears. All said, a few things pieces of requested advice I’d like to share that may help you through this process:
- Allow yourself to feel
Grief is not a linear process, please give yourself permission to experience the full range of emotions that come with it. While distractions can help you get through parts of the day, relying on them too much can be unhealthy. Allowing yourself to feel your emotions can help you find ways to cope and live with your grief and can make you emotionally stronger.
- Embrace family and support
If you live a ways from family, consider joining a grief support group, either in person or online, to connect with others who have shared similar experiences. You can also lean on supportive people in your life.
- Practice self-care
Ceremony/Ritual, Mindfulness practices, and other healthy coping skills can help you process your grief and put a positive spin on the situation.
- Honor your parent's memory
Personal items of your loved ones are a way to incorporate them into your life. For me, it was baking/cooking items that were extras in house. A pair of shoes that happen to fit. Pictures are always a blessing to remember the good times. Make a collage of them in a multi-picture frame. Cook their favorite foods on their birthdays. All of these can be powerful tools for overcoming grief.
Picking up my mala’s & rosary’s again, as I put them down in my grief, resituating myself into my daily prayers & making note in my training to practice while in “crisis”, has helped considerably. And I got to admit, writing this note has actually been beneficial. I'm still hurting, some days way more, some way less, though how and when I pray is up to what is best for me at any given time.
And so it is with our Holy Mother. And she reminds me that my soul’s work is on a much deeper level than the physical and I can be, and am, with everyone spiritually.
"What more do I need to say, my beloved? You are always welcome. You are never judged. You are beloved. The rosary is my gift to you, and while you do honor me when you pray it, it is not the only way. Sometimes it is all you can do to persevere in doing the next right thing. That, too, honors me. It is enough."(Our Mother)
I luv you mama
